Reconnecting A Disconnected Family

By Cary Schmidt

A few weeks ago, my wife and I decided to stay up late to work on some projects. I chose to stay in my chair in the living room, while she chose to sit up in bed and work—both of us on our laptop computers. Before long, we were both thinking of things we needed to tell each other, and we found ourselves sending off little emails to each other. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but after about thirty minutes it occurred to both of us that we were only about 40 feet apart! My wife wrote me and said, “Why are we doing this?” That’s when it hit me… we’re so connected in the 21st century, we don’t even have to talk to each other anymore!

We have never been more “connected”—or less connected! The average home in America has multiple TVs, Dish Network, Pay-Per-View, wireless LAN, high-speed internet, multiple gaming systems, a few computers, internet cell-phones, Game-Boys, portable Playstations, PDAs, and video capable iPods! We’re the most technologically advanced culture on the planet, and we’re so infatuated with our toys that we’re paying a devastating price in our homes! Now, I must admit, I’m a bit of a techno-junky myself but before we get too carried away (or has that already happened?) let’s take a second look!

Unfortunately, with all the glitz and dazzle of our “connectedness,” there’s a very dark and dangerous side effect. We’ve become the most disconnected culture in human history. We’re losing our kids in record numbers (in Christian homes), and we’re living with total strangers! We’re giving precious time that can never be recovered to online chats, internet games, and the latest XBox release; and all the while our family relationships are dying on the vine.

We’ve become addicted to time-wasting, relationship-killing, side-lining activity that is absolutely empty and meaningless at the end of the day! An outside observer might guess that we’re intentionally trying to avoid each other. While one might argue that some of these toys are not inherently sinful, the pull of both the sin and the weights can be seemingly irresistible and ultimately devastating to the 21st century family. Fox News called Myspace.com “a parent’s worst nightmare and a predator’s dream come true!” Another tech review called it the cesspool of humanity! On and on the list could go as to the dangers and dark side of the information age.

Our families have lost the connectedness that God intends, and our kids are being destroyed by a ruthless and invisible enemy. And we’re to blame, because we’ve handed off our connection to their hearts—we’ve wired our kids directly to the world so we can work more, make more, and live more! It’s not supposed to be this way! This isn’t God’s design or intent for your family, and you must reclaim the true connection before it’s too late. Parent, it’s time to reconnect! Our kids don’t belong on myspace—they belong in your space! Where you are. With you. Talking, relating, laughing, enjoying, playing, praying—being loved, accepted, nurtured, trained up! They belong close to your heart and you close to theirs. It’s time to reclaim their hearts and minds. It’s time we stop giving them wholly over to the information age! It’s time we begin building relationships that perhaps we never had.

It’s time to start using the OFF button. Start turning some things off—start disconnecting and start reconnecting. Start now—today! Tonight! Do something extreme! Do something that will make your family look “freakish” in today’s society. Take a walk. Read a book. Have a conversation. Play a game. Laugh a little. Pray as a family. Be intentionally together and intentionally simple concerning the evils of our media-crazed culture. Be old-fashioned—family—fun!

A high-connection family is a lot more important than a high-speed connection. Be a high-connection parent. Keep your heart plugged in to your kids and keep theirs plugged in to you. Keep God first and foremost in your family life and defy the odds. Choose that yours will be a well-connected home—every heart connected to the other with high-speed access! You’ll discover something—you probably forgot how much you really love (and like) these people you live with. Now go turn something off, and start reconnecting.

In part one, we talked about the fact that we are the most technically “connected” generation in human history, yet we’re also the most relationally “disconnected” as the same time! More than ever teens and children are left to themselves while Mom and Dad have to work harder and longer than ever to pay for our modern lifestyle. As never before, the hearts of fathers are turned away from their children and the hearts of children are turned away from their fathers.

The most tragic result of this pattern is that we are losing our kids (from Christian homes) at an alarming rate. As our Christian teens are graduating from high school, we’re seeing more and more of them toss God in the back seat and launch out into a “have it my way” future of self-centered, hedonistic living. They haven’t simply lost their connection
to “us.”

They’ve lost their connection to God.

As parents, it’s time for us to revolt! Culture, technology, work, entertainment, materialism, and overtime are terrible altars upon which to sacrifice our children! If you are courageous and serious enough to confront this massive cultural current that is rapidly pulling your family apart, then here are some practical things you can do to reverse the trend. But be prepared for resistance. Spiritual forces don’t let go of their strong-holds quietly. Your clients, your culture, and even your kids will probably at first resist the major priority shift that needs to happen to bring your family back to God’s pattern. Yet, the struggle is worth it!

You may turn down overtime, put a new career on hold, say goodbye to a needed promotion, or miss your favorite TV show from now until its cancellation—but these are small prices to pay to recover the heart of your child and set his feet upon the solid rock of God’s purpose for his future. You can win this battle, but here’s what you must do. There are seven powerful tools—God’s “atomic bombs” for nurturing and leading your family spiritually. They are powerful and they work, when applied faithfully. Here are the first three, and we’ll see the other four in part three.

Pray Together Consistently

Easy you say? Try it. I dare you to make a a covenant with God and with your spouse to pray every night, one on one, with each child in your family as they tuck into bed. The Devil will fight you hard on this, yet it’s such a simple thing. Use this time to truly pray, visit, and reconnect with your child. Few things can touch their heart like your prayers, especially as they fall asleep with that lingering moment on their minds.

Play Together Abundantly

This takes time, time, and more time! Can you possibly spend too much time together as a family? Probably, but I don’t see that there is much danger of that happening in today’s culture. Let me ask you this question. When is the last time you planned an entire day as a family just to play? The older your kids are and the busier your family is, the harder this is. But can I say loudly—this is VERY important! It’s more important than sports practice, school, or cheerleading. The secret here is not cost, it’s consistency. Your kids don’t need a $1,000 two-day get-away once a year. They need three hours every Saturday shooting hoops or half a day each week spending time together, or a family game night once a week. Consistency is the key, and it’s the free stuff that they will appreciate the most, because it’s truly from your heart. Even teens know that you can’t buy true love!

Resolve Conflict Immediately

Unresolved conflict is like a festering cancer that’s left untreated—it doesn’t “just go away.” It’s time we parents grow up. It’s ridiculous that parents and teens give each other the silent treatment for days on end. Go to your teen and work it out. You’ll know it’s worked out when you can pray together, hug each other, and laugh together when it’s all over. Refuse to let arguments or offences go unresolved.

We’re just getting started, but focus on applying these three principles and see how God will bless. It may take some time, but gradually you will see the hearts of your children drawn back to you and to the Lord. Are you courageous enough to reclaim your children from the snares of Satan? May God give you great grace and strength to stay in the battle!

Perhaps it’s common in todays’ society for parents and teens to have a great relational divide, but that doesn’t mean it’s “normal” or that it’s right. More than ever your teenager needs a strong connection to your heart, and there’s no easy, quick fix to having it. Nurturing a relationship takes time and deliberate action. Now is the time, and in the last post we discussed the first three actions—pray together consistently, play together abundantly, and resolve conflict immediately. Let’s look at the final four steps to reconnecting.

Nurture the heart faithfully.

What does this mean? It means to get below the surface in your conversation. It means to spend enough time together that your connection goes deeper. You cannot force this, but you can create an environment where it will happen naturally. If your teen is closed up to you, then it may take more time, but persist and pursue! Don’t’ give up.

This also means you shepherd the heart with good things. Break out of your parental lecture mode and sit down and say nothing but good positive things to your teen, one on one for a solid hour. Tell him what you are proud of. Tell her how much you love her. Recognize and call attention to the good things he is accomplishing and the little victories that you may have missed.

Serve together joyfully.

This is one of the best secrets of church life! Parents and teens can serve God together. Get on a bus route, go soulwinning together, do something together for others! Some months ago, I took my boys soulwinning and had been praying that they would be able to be present as I led someone to Christ. That night, we visited a family and led a dear mother and her 19 year old son to Christ. It was wonderful, and the fact that my boys were there to see it made it even more wonderful. We celebrated by getting a milkshake together afterwards! We’ll never forget that moment. Serve God with your teenager. God will use it greatly in their lives.

Respond to intuition tenaciously.

What we call “intuition” a godly parent should call “the leading of the Holy Spirit.” Too often, we as parents feel that we have to reason away our intuition because we don’t have a “good reason” for feeling the way we do. Since when do you have to explain your reasons for obeying the leading of God in your heart. When God places a hesitation on your heart—about a friend, about a party, about an event—no matter the case, go with God. Explain to your teen that you can’t fully explain, but that God isn’t giving you a peace about it. Whatever you do, obey the Holy Spirit. On more than a few occasions my wife and I have said “no” only to find out later that God was using that “no” to protect our kids from something very dangerous.

Finally, purify your home tenaciously.

The devil often gets to our kids through the back door of things we’re selfishly holding on to as parents. Are you willing to give up what might be harmful to your teenager? Many parents are not. These are called “strong-holds” and until you pull them down by the power of God, you won’t get very far in leading your teenagers heart to being open to God. Music, movies, internet, and a host of other things need to be either removed or completely moderated in our homes to protect our hearts and the hearts of our children.

Reconnecting isn’t easy. It will take work, time, and focus. It will cost you something, but the product is well worth it. Do you know your teenager? Well? If I asked your teen how good of a friendship they have with you, what would they say? The clock is ticking. In just a few short years they will be leaving your nest. Make the most of the relationship while you have it, and may God give you the grace and courage to reconnect and stay connected.

This article, and many more like it, can be found on Cary Schmidt's website www.caryschmidt.com.

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