Dealing With Dating

By Cary Schmidt

Media Monster

Helping Your Young Adult Prepare for the Future

Have you noticed that our culture is trying to awaken and enlarge the desires of our young people at younger and younger ages? And it seems that parents often find themselves caught between the better judgment of their conscience and the pressure of a corrupt culture. We wonder how to handle the fact that our son or daughter is experiencing attraction to the opposite gender. Do we panic, pack up, and move to the Alaskan wilderness? In some ways, we want to. Or should we go to the other extreme and start match-making by the time they reach 8th grade? Some take this approach.

I’d like to share what I believe to be a balanced and biblical approach to nurturing and guiding your teenager’s heart through these powerful new emotions and into a happily married adult life.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” I share this verse because it is your teenager’s heart that is at stake in this battle. Satan would like to turn their heart the wrong direction, enlarge and pervert their desires, and ultimately rob their purity. A wise parent will determine to set up a watch-guard over their teenager’s heart regarding these new attractions.

With this verse as our context, I would like to share fourteen guiding principles that I believe will help you navigate these waters.:

1. Balance Rules with Relationships. Maintain a close balance between being too strict and being too loose. Teenagers don’t need complete restriction from interacting with the opposite sex, but they definitely don’t need complete freedom and license to do whatever they please. Clear rules balanced with a close relationship with you will do more to settle their heart and manage their attractions than anything else!

2. Be the Authority. As the parent, you must set the ground rules for how relationships will be handled in your family. You must lay the boundaries and the consequences of both keeping and breaking the rules. Often we think of punishment when it comes to disobedience, but what about the reward for obedience. Help your teenager know exactly what your expectations are and why, and then reward them for honoring those expectations.

3. Be an Understanding Friend. As you exercise authority, you must also remember what it was like to experience these feelings for the first time. Remember the mistakes you made and why. As much as you seek to set and enforce rules and guidelines, also seek to understand the way your teenager is feeling and the power of these new emotions that they are dealing with.

4. Communicate Clearly and Openly. Nothing can replace open communication in a teen/parent relationship. If you don’t have this, you must get it! You must be able to talk openly about what you expect and why. Explain your reasons. You are protecting the purity of those who do not yet realize its value, in a world that is trying to destroy it. In addition to this, your teenager should be able to talk to you about these things. Be approachable and understanding, and provide daily guidance as God leads you.

5. Realize That Things Start to Change in Junior High. There is a natural change that takes place in these formative years. They will be attracted to the opposite sex. Don’t try to stifle that God-given change, but deal with it wisely. Dads, maintain a close relationship with your daughters and sons. Don’t be threatened by these changes, but don’t ignore them either. Handle them seriously in your heart, but lightly on the surface. Have some fun and tease with your teenager lightheartedly about these types of things, but be sure to have frequent serious talks on the subject of relationships that please God.

6. Maintain a Group Spirit in All Dating. Teenagers who are attracted to each other do not need to be alone. The devil will constantly try to isolate them away from protecting friends and family. Always keep a group togetherness spirit with your teenager’s friends. Sit together as a family, do things as a family, and keep a high standard of accountability.

7. Help Maintain the Right Pace in a Relationship. Teenagers want to move FAST! They need you to help set the pace. You are the “pace car” that keeps your teenager’s relationships from crashing. You must slow it down and keep it simple. Don’t allow them to become exclusive and consumed with each other. Hours on the phone, talking in a corner at church, endless text messaging, wandering from the group, lower grades, always wanting to be together—these are warning signs of a relationship moving too fast.

8. See the Teen Years as the Lab and Yourself as the Instructor. The teen years are truly the laboratory in preparing for adult life. They are, in essence, the last stop on the road to adulthood. This is your final opportunity to shape character, establish values, and nurture the heart before your young adult begins making very serious life choices. This is the time to begin deliberately helping your son or daughter to prepare for a life-long relationship in marriage. In a day when parents tend to disconnect during these years, your teen needs your constant involvement and guidance in these matters. The devil’s plan in this area is to distance teens and parents. Teens try to get alone and apart, while parents tend to be too busy, disinterested, or even insecure about how to deal with these issues. Rather than giving in to distance, fight it. Stay engaged with your young person and mentor them through every step of this process right up until marriage!

9. Encourage a “Be Friends” Relationship Philosophy until Graduation from High School. If they aren’t on a road to marriage, then there is no real good reason to get wrapped up in one serious relationship. These exclusive relationships have nowhere to go except down hill! They tend to distance the heart from things that really matter. They tempt a teenager to have misplaced priorities, and they often weaken other vital relationships! More than discouraging relationships, encourage light ones! Help your young person understand the danger of becoming too serious or exclusive too soon!

10. Watch for Three Danger Signs: Isolation, Extended Time, and Physical Contact. With young people, these three areas always lead to problems, and two of the three are not necessary until after marriage. Only an engaged couple needs to spend large amounts of extended time together as they plan and prepare for their life-long relationship. I’m amazed at how often parents accept the standards of a secular culture in these areas. Please don’t vacate your place in the hedge of protection! Don’t allow temptation to increase by ignoring these three areas. Additionally, please keep in mind that many T.V. shows, movies and certain types of music will further fuel the fire in these areas!

11. Be Approachable and Preemptive about Dating. One of the biggest mistakes parents make in teen relationships is that they are completely unapproachable—whether from fear, busyness, or insecurity. Your teen will go somewhere for answers, and there are many in the world that are only too eager to give them wrong answers! Please decide that your teenager will have biblical answers from you before he hears the wrong answers from the world. Beyond that, bring these subjects up regularly with biblical insight and compassionate instruction.

12. Be Involved as a Parent. Nothing can combat the world’s fleshly influence in this area better than a strong relationship with mom and dad. Be close to your teen. A lifestyle of neglect and apathy leads to broken hearts, divided homes, and searching young people!

13. Don’t Push Your Teen to Date. For some reason, some parents lean to this dangerous extreme. Rather then being uninvolved, they are too involved in a pushy way. This is not natural and it’s not healthy. Have a heart for your teen’s feelings, help regulate them and manage them, but on the other hand, if there is no fire burning, don’t bring out the matches and firewood!

14. Don’t Take a “Break-up” Lightly. Don’t take it lightly when your young adult loses a boyfriend or a girlfriend. This is one of the most traumatic experiences that a young adult faces, and you must help them through this time. Expect them to take it harshly, seek to understand how they feel, and encourage them to the Lord and His Word during these seasons of growth and transition.

In conclusion, remember these words: “The Right Person at the Right Time.” This is the goal! This is the reason you are praying, teaching, guiding, and preparing this young life—for the right person at the right time! The devil will do everything within his power to prevent your teen from reaching that point. Keep your eyes on the Lord and on that goal!

Don’t panic just because your teen notices a boy or girl. After all, you did too when you were their age. It’s a normal, God-given occurrence that needs to be carefully controlled by God-given parental authority. Set the biblical standard for your home and enforce the standard with determination. At the same time, love your teen, show understanding, build a relationship, and communicate complete acceptance. Your young person will respect and honor this approach—and one day, from the vantage point of a happy marriage, they will be forever grateful for your mentoring!

This article, and many more like it, can be found on Cary Schmidt's website www.caryschmidt.com.

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